if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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