I wish my penis had an off switch
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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