I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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