I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
