Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
