your thong is hanging out like whoa
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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