If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize