why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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