I can text with my tongue
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
