if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dick very happy bro
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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