so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
