I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
