you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
