There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
