I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
