So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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