Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize