...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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