I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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