i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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