mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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