I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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