Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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