hotel room ftw
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize