when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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