your thong is hanging out like whoa
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
