Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
