All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
