i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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