I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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