Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just pee around me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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