Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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