Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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