I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
