Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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