dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize