Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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