it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come share oat with me in your robe
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
