.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
