How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
