I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize