He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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