when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
