The brown eye won't let me do that either.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
