my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
