I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
