I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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