I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
