he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
