So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
