Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
