i wish my penis had a tongue
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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