Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
