I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He better not be in your backpack
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
