If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
