So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
