3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
