the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
