I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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