im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
