Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
